I feel today is going to be a down day for me. It started this morning when I was working on some of the course materials for my degree. I'm studying sacred spaces at the moment and their meaning and purpose to others. So we're talking about Glastonbury, Avesbury and surprisingly Milton Keynes. But seeing people sitting there discussing their beliefs and views made me realise, I've never really shared my thoughts on this with many people. I don't the most normal of beliefs and I somehow doubt anyone else shares them sometimes.
Like many people I base my beliefs on the world form many differing sources. I've found for me the main focus of this to be Taoism. This is mainly due to the fact that as I first learnt about this personal philosophy that it was pretty much a mirror of my current beliefs at the time. However I haven't stopped there and still currently research other religions and belief systems. The one thing I have noticed is that the core principles are always the same. It's just the background mythology and the interpretation of the original ideals are changed. Obviously I'm not foolish enough to get into a debate with someone about these things as its not right to try and dissuade someones personal beliefs as we are all unique and all have our own paths to take.
But it's not just religion and philosophy I feel isolated with. Every part of my life feels so unique that its impossible to share with anyone. My strong self-belief that everything will always work out for the best seems to be rare too. I've met few people with this self assured reliance that things always work out and sometimes bad thing have to happen for good things to occur too, though I may well have and not realised it yet. It just makes em feel very alone sometimes surrounded by a world that is obsessed with bad news and the misfortune of others. And a lot people are guilty of this. Anyone who watches these reality shows and laughs at these people who don't succeed, I find disgusting. These people have made the choice of trying to follow their dreams. I was watching Britain's got talent and to hear crowds chanting "off, off" to these people sickened me. It was like hearing crowds baying for blood. These people have put themselves on the line to show what they believe is their strong points, and to be treated like that by people is vile.
This whole society sometimes sickens me. We've turned into such a miserable people, scared by the media into believing anything and creating an atmosphere of hatred and bigotry to all things different. Don't get me wrong not everyone is like this and I'd like to the think the people I surround myself with are not like this , but they exist.
The other gripe I have is with our society in whole. What are we trying to do with our lives. We are either working ourselves to the Bone for money to spend on worthless material items or spending our time drinking to ridiculous excess. I know it's strange to Say this, being only 28 years old, but I truly despair for us. Do we have such empty lives nowadays this is how we plan to live them. Maybe this is what has depressed me so, that even though I try my hardest to find some meaning and purpose to this existence I find none. No hope, no goal to aim for. Perhaps that's why I try so hard to be kind and good to everyone I meet having the strong belief of karma that if I treat others well enough one day all this will make sense and that I feel my life will have had some purpose.
And I know I have my children, and they mean the world to me, all my close family does, but what am I supposed to say to them if they ever turn around and ask me what the meaning of life is? I can't even answer that myself. We toil and play but to what end, if we had nothing the tools to feed ourselves would our lives be strangely more fulfilled as our would be simpler. Feed oneself and spend the rest of our time reflecting on surroundings. Strangely this idea appeals to me more than the modern day society where we have so distractions to hide ourselves from the hollowness of our existence. I'm guilty of it too. I play games to escape from reality and the truth that it may well be there is nothing more to my life.
Perhaps this is why recently I've been trying so hard to maintain a group of friends, making every effort to get out and meet people regularly so that I can stop this feeling being alone. And if you read this Stacey I don't mean this to include you. You make my life bearable by being with me. If I was alone, I'd go mad, you really do give me a solid base to work form and that's why I love you because without you, I'd be still freewheeling like I was before I met you. You've brought stability to my life which I needed, perhaps so that now I can focus on ideas now rather than running through them head first. But as you know too, having your loved one is not enough to keep you sane. We are a social animal and need company to survive. Whether you have nothing or lots in common people are what make us and shape us every single day of our lives whether we like to admit it or not.
I think I'll link this post to my facebook today to see if anyone reads this. Perhaps people will be shocked at how deep my thinking sometimes is or how depressed the seemingly bouncing crazy monkey can sometimes be. Others will make jokes and think I'm being an emo whining, but to be fair, without emotions we are nothing more than the machines we work so hard to purchase and that's is something I'd never want to be.
