The face behind the smile

2010-08-24T01:21:00.000-07:00

Well that was a weird night. Whether it had anything to do with me and Stacey arguing again I don't know. But I dreamt I mistakenly got sent to Demon Hell last night under the name of Azazel, THREE times!

Though to be fair it didn't seem that bad!

Well today its off to buy uniform for Courtney so perhaps the dream was preparing me for today! I shall have to wait and see how it pans out!

Tis been awhile

2010-08-22T12:56:00.001-07:00

Its been awhile since I've been on here. But hey its nice to revisit some times. Don't have much to say at the mo but I'll be back on here soon with new updates I can assure you!

A slightly darker post than usual

2010-05-24T00:05:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I last posted anything up here. I think all the night feeds and being back at work have slowly worn me down. But I feel I need to write something today for therapeutic reasons if nothing else. I'm fully aware that there may be nobody else but myself reading these entries and sometimes perhaps that's a good thing. If my friends sometimes knew how dark and depressing my thoughts could be, they may think I'm a liar and untrustworthy as they'd never be able to tell from looking at me.

I feel today is going to be a down day for me. It started this morning when I was working on some of the course materials for my degree. I'm studying sacred spaces at the moment and their meaning and purpose to others. So we're talking about Glastonbury, Avesbury and surprisingly Milton Keynes. But seeing people sitting there discussing their beliefs and views made me realise, I've never really shared my thoughts on this with many people. I don't the most normal of beliefs and I somehow doubt anyone else shares them sometimes.

Like many people I base my beliefs on the world form many differing sources. I've found for me the main focus of this to be Taoism. This is mainly due to the fact that as I first learnt about this personal philosophy that it was pretty much a mirror of my current beliefs at the time. However I haven't stopped there and still currently research other religions and belief systems. The one thing I have noticed is that the core principles are always the same. It's just the background mythology and the interpretation of the original ideals are changed. Obviously I'm not foolish enough to get into a debate with someone about these things as its not right to try and dissuade someones personal beliefs as we are all unique and all have our own paths to take.

But it's not just religion and philosophy I feel isolated with. Every part of my life feels so unique that its impossible to share with anyone. My strong self-belief that everything will always work out for the best seems to be rare too. I've met few people with this self assured reliance that things always work out and sometimes bad thing have to happen for good things to occur too, though I may well have and not realised it yet. It just makes em feel very alone sometimes surrounded by a world that is obsessed with bad news and the misfortune of others. And a lot people are guilty of this. Anyone who watches these reality shows and laughs at these people who don't succeed, I find disgusting. These people have made the choice of trying to follow their dreams. I was watching Britain's got talent and to hear crowds chanting "off, off" to these people sickened me. It was like hearing crowds baying for blood. These people have put themselves on the line to show what they believe is their strong points, and to be treated like that by people is vile.

This whole society sometimes sickens me. We've turned into such a miserable people, scared by the media into believing anything and creating an atmosphere of hatred and bigotry to all things different. Don't get me wrong not everyone is like this and I'd like to the think the people I surround myself with are not like this , but they exist.

The other gripe I have is with our society in whole. What are we trying to do with our lives. We are either working ourselves to the Bone for money to spend on worthless material items or spending our time drinking to ridiculous excess. I know it's strange to Say this, being only 28 years old, but I truly despair for us. Do we have such empty lives nowadays this is how we plan to live them. Maybe this is what has depressed me so, that even though I try my hardest to find some meaning and purpose to this existence I find none. No hope, no goal to aim for. Perhaps that's why I try so hard to be kind and good to everyone I meet having the strong belief of karma that if I treat others well enough one day all this will make sense and that I feel my life will have had some purpose.

And I know I have my children, and they mean the world to me, all my close family does, but what am I supposed to say to them if they ever turn around and ask me what the meaning of life is? I can't even answer that myself. We toil and play but to what end, if we had nothing the tools to feed ourselves would our lives be strangely more fulfilled as our would be simpler. Feed oneself and spend the rest of our time reflecting on surroundings. Strangely this idea appeals to me more than the modern day society where we have so distractions to hide ourselves from the hollowness of our existence. I'm guilty of it too. I play games to escape from reality and the truth that it may well be there is nothing more to my life.

Perhaps this is why recently I've been trying so hard to maintain a group of friends, making every effort to get out and meet people regularly so that I can stop this feeling being alone. And if you read this Stacey I don't mean this to include you. You make my life bearable by being with me. If I was alone, I'd go mad, you really do give me a solid base to work form and that's why I love you because without you, I'd be still freewheeling like I was before I met you. You've brought stability to my life which I needed, perhaps so that now I can focus on ideas now rather than running through them head first. But as you know too, having your loved one is not enough to keep you sane. We are a social animal and need company to survive. Whether you have nothing or lots in common people are what make us and shape us every single day of our lives whether we like to admit it or not.

I think I'll link this post to my facebook today to see if anyone reads this. Perhaps people will be shocked at how deep my thinking sometimes is or how depressed the seemingly bouncing crazy monkey can sometimes be. Others will make jokes and think I'm being an emo whining, but to be fair, without emotions we are nothing more than the machines we work so hard to purchase and that's is something I'd never want to be.

It's been a while!

2010-05-14T01:00:00.000-07:00

Well it's been awhile since my last update, but I've been running round ragged with the kids and Stacey so haven't had the time to write anything for ages. Today though I got a bit of a lie in, well I didn't have to get up for the kids so that's an improvement.

It's been a busy time and even though I've still been playing a lot of games, what did you expect from me by now, there have been other things going on as well. We had our first BBQ last weekend and it was a great success, my temporary cover from the rain meant the BBQ went ahead and everyone had a great time, we even managed to burn the old xmas tree as well though there is still a faint smell of pine wafting around.

I'm also back to work on saturday which is going to be interesting as we have a temporary manager who to be honest is an epitome of the Essex man, so I can see me going loggerheads with him at some point. But it's off to the Brush tonight hopefully and then Djing at SS1 if Stacey is feeling up to it. And I've got two week for my last piece of coursework to be done by. So it may well be awhile before I post on here again, but I will be back!

It's good when the weather matches your mood

2010-05-02T02:12:00.000-07:00

Well it's a rainy day and that's good for me. I fucked up last night by drinking a little too much and then just passing out when I got home leaving Stacey to sort out the baby. Topped with the fact that I probably still didn't spend enough time whit her has ruined her first night of her birthday. I'm not feeling that great this morning.

I also feel bad as for the first time that I can ever remember I actually pointed out the problems with someone's night. At S.N.A.P. it just wasn't quite right. The songs were good but there was no flow and to me at least it was obvious they were trying to avoid playing metal. Not such a bad thing but seeing as both Jamie and Gary are metal DJ's you could see it was difficult. And so I felt I had to say something to Jamie about it. It may not have been the best thing to say perhaps, but my guts told me it was the right thing to do and Jamie took it well so hopefully it's not been a bad thing.

So not a fantastic night last night, enjoyable to an extent but far from a perfect night. Now it would seem today I'm going to have to pull out the stops to cheer Stacey up again, but hey that's what you do when you love someone!

It's the weekend!!

2010-04-30T23:42:00.000-07:00

Well it's Saturday morning and I've just finished my first night shift in ages. Feeding babies at 2 in the morning is not recommended!! I didn't have a bad time of it though, ended up passing out on the sofa till Bastain woke me up!

But now I've woken to another beautiful day, though it did rain last night and I was too lazy to bring the washing in! I'm making a start on a new game today John Woo's Stranglehold so lots of slow-mo bullet time for me over the next few days. Myself and Stacey actually managed to play a little bit of L4D2 last night together with the Gamerkitten guys (www.gamerkitten.com - It's worth checking out to avoid teenage kids when you play online), that is until both Brandon and Bastian kicked off.

I also managed to get my assignment in on time which is a double bonus. Ok, so it was 750 words on how I think I've been doing on the course so far, but still I did it in half an hour and if I get my best score on it so far I'll be laughing!!

And now I've got tonight to look forward to, off down to the Railway for pre drinks then off to S.N.A.P. for a night out for once. It'll be good to get out again as I've missed it slightly and it could be the last time for awhile now.

Best of all, myself and Stacey are getting on better again. Let me pre warn anyone, pregnancy will strain any relationship but bear through it till the babys born and everything tends to right itself eventually!

And that's it for me as I hear Brandon call down to be let out for the day!! One last point, if anyone is interested in going to the eurogamer expo let us know as it looks frickin awesome!

Tis a beautiful sight, the sun in the morning

2010-04-29T22:51:00.000-07:00

Well, it's an early entry today. I've fed both Brandon and Sebastian now, though Brandon is currently screaming in my ear as he wants chocolate and thats not an option for breakfast. But now he's quietened up I can enjoy my lovely cup of coffee, in my current favourite Official Steampunk Exhibition mug, sitting by an open window.

Funnily enough, theres actually a little safety net web from one corner of the window. You know the sort of web that's just a mass of strands as if to catch a spider of it fell from higher up. I've also got a beautiful tree in full blossom to look at too.

All in all it's a good morning even if I've been up since 6am and didn't get to sleep till 2am. The joy of kids! But today I've got to finish my assignment which is going to be overdue, we're off to register Sebastian at the council and then I'm cooking Southern fried beans and rice for dinner

Not exactly the most interesting day ever imaginable, but if you don't have dull days how can you expect to enjoy the exciting days. On a side note I've really got to get back into the habit of exercising again. Definitely time for me to start looking after myself a little better, especially the way my back is twinging lately.

Well thats all for now, I'll leave with a final pic from when I was playing COD4:MW a little while back and found this guy in probably the most painful death ever!

Today I joined the Mile High Club!

2010-04-29T11:19:00.000-07:00

Well firstly that's not what you may think. It's about the achievement on COD 4. Yep after much patience I finally beat COD 4 into the ground and 100% the beast.

Outside of my gaming, its been a quiet day, Stacey is on the mend now and has actually gone off to Bingo tonight, so you never know with COD beaten and Sebastian born, perhaps Stacey winning will be the third piece of luck.

I also cooked a lovely vegetable jambalaya today which went down a treat, definitely enjoying this vegetarian cooking lark, and my cooking skills are improving every day.

Anyway got to shoot, Sebastian is calling for food, and Brandon need some sleep!

Well the whole family's home now!

2010-04-27T04:41:00.000-07:00

Today is the first day that the whole of our little family are at home. And unsurprisingly it's been hard work. Stacey being completely laid up after the c-section means I'm running around sorting out Brandon, Courtney and the new-born Sebastian. I'm knackered!!

But sensibly I thought what should I do toady, I know I'll clear the garden. And well I have kinda!! Now you can see the bottom of the garden, but the actual middle of the garden is full of cut bits of tree!!

On the plus side, I now get plenty of gaming time in the evening as Stacey is too tired to do anything! The down side is that at the moment I'm attempting the Mile high club achievement on COD4 as well as just ranking up on Bioshock 2. Thankfully I'm also doing spots of Forza 3, Blue dragon and L4D2 to give me a break occasionally.

I've also got to try and finish my next assignment by Friday but that's not going to be difficult as its contemplative assignment. Must also sort out my songs for the alternative night coming up, but now I've got to shoot as Sebastian is going up the hospital for blood sugar tests!

An introduction

2010-04-26T04:44:00.000-07:00

I've started these before and wrote long intros about who I am and what I do. But to be honest, this is more a place for em to say how I really feel, and what happens to me. So if you read enough of this you'll get to know me pretty well I guess. If you do actually know me too, maybe you'll realise theres slightly more to me than the crazy loveable fool that everybody knows!